Why is it so difficult to admit that we can’t fix ourselves?
Why does it so often elude us that we cannot save ourselves from ourselves?
I confess I circle around this tiresome theme of doing it my way too many times to count. But at the same time, I am well aware of how ridiculous it is to do so. I, like many of you, am caught in a vicious cycle between trying to save myself through whatever means available, and suppressing my desires because they are too painful to allow to exist unfulfilled, and asking God to help me. I go round and round. As discouraged as I get, there is one ray of hope. And not just a flickering ray, but a blazing glittering ray of light.
I have finally come to the place of realizing something that changes everything. I haven’t “arrived” at some place of enlightenment. I haven’t figured everything out. I don’t even possess the truth.
The truth possesses me.
The Enlightened has arrived within me.
The God I am trying to find has already found me.
I am not able to fully rest in that knowledge yet, but I am able to fully believe it. Maybe full rest isn’t even possible. Thinking that we will experience seamless peace in this life is like believing that night will never come. There is a darkness to be reckoned with, and it isn’t going away until we close our eyes for the final time. But the knowledge that I am His gets me through that interminable night called pain, suffering, hardship, confusion, exhaustion, angst, and heartache.
I stand in prayer with all of you who are trying to hang on to that blazing ray of light. Who, like me, long to be His, and to know it, and to feel it. We are in the fight of our lives here. I pray not that we win, but that the God who is holding onto us does. As he fights for our hearts, I pray that we can have the courage and trust to surrender to His grace.
I cannot fix myself.
I cannot save myself.
I can only drop to my knees and ask for help.
I am in this place, once again.